Baggage
by prairiechicken
Summary: Meg Griffin's desperation for a relationship has reached new heights as she's willing to exchange personal secrets with three potential boyfriends on Jerry Springer's new game show!
1. Chapter 1

Peter: "Oooooooo…this is going to be so cool! Meg has become so desperate for a relationship that she's resorted to this!"

(Half of Quahog assembled in the Griffin living room ready to watch TV - Cleveland, of course, having driven 500 miles)

(Peter turns on TV - Meg standing beside Jerry Springer)

"This is Meg! She's got a secret and it's hidden inside this red bag! Did she lose her virginity in a confessional booth? Did she try to pursue romance with her own dog? Did she lie to an ex-boyfriend about getting pregnant? We'll open up this bag and a WHOLE lot more coming up on Baggage!"

(Baggage intro music plays)

"Hi, I'm Jerry Springer and welcome to Baggage, where eager daters dish out dirt for a chance at romance. She is a waitress from Quahog, Rhode Island; please welcome Meg!"

"Hi Jerry, it's a pleasure to meet you!"

"It's nice to see you too! Meg, tell us a bit about yourself."

"Well Jerry, I come from a family that treats me like crap for no good reason, which is why I'm looking for a man who will like me for who I am. I can cook a great meal, have a great singing voice and I'll make sure that if you choose me and accept my baggage, that your dreams will be fulfilled!"

Crowd at Griffin House: "BOOOOO!"

Peter: "Ingrate! We give you a roof over your head and put food in your stomach so you don't starve to death! I promise you, I'll write you out of the will!"

"Well Meg, we've got three awesome guys ready to meet you, here's the first one, he's a musician from Washington, D.C.; please welcome Jeremiah!"

"Hi Meg, I sing, play guitar, I'm looking for an open heart and open mind and we can go out and do some romantic things."

"Next, we have a bartender from New York City, say hello to Dominic!"

"Hi Meg! I'm a huge sports fan, I also love the night life and I need someone to come out dancing with me!"

"Finally, he's a customer service rep from Chicago; please give it up for Eric!"

"Hi Meg! I love to play video games and watch action movies! I'm looking for a down-to-earth, family orientated woman that's looking for a little action herself!"

"OK, as you saw, our guys brought on three bags and as the bags get bigger, so do the embarrassing personal issues contained inside. This way, Meg decides quickly the one she wants to date. Gentlemen, time for you to show…your smallest piece of baggage!"

"Let's start with Jeremiah!"

**I rely on public transportation**

"So…does this mean that I have to drive you around everywhere and you can't be motivated to get a license?"

"No, you see public transportation is cheaper and being part of a band means you can group together in a van to go to where you want to go."

"Dominic, please open your smallest baggage!"

**I refuse to floss**

"Ewwwww! Am I going to be picking food from your teeth when we decide to make out?"

"It's like this…I'm afraid that when I floss, I'm going to yank a tooth out. But to compromise, I brush my teeth more often, not just in morning and night, but after every meal as well!"

"Eric, please reveal your smallest baggage!"

**I'm addicted to soda**

"Wow! That's pretty unhealthy! Do you have any health concerns?"

"Well, I've moved on to diet drinks, plus, I don't smoke, drink or do drugs, and I have my yearly check-up, so if my doctor tells me there's something wrong, I'll let you know."

"Up next, Meg is sending one suitcase to the point of no return! Find out which one when we come back!"

(ad break)

Peter: "BWA-HA-HA-HA! If this is the least she has to put up with, I can't wait to see what's next!"

Connie: "God, why can't she go out to the nightclubs like everyone else? I mean...Springer? Really?"

(show resumes)

"Welcome back to Baggage! Now earlier, we revealed the guys' smallest bags. We have Jeremiah, who relies on public transportation. We have Dominic, who refuses to floss, and we have Eric, who's addicted to soda. All right Meg, it's time for the deal-breaker round, and that means we are looking into three bigger pieces of baggage placed here at random. Once we see what's inside these bags, Meg is going to decide which baggage is too hot for her to handle. It is time to reveal...more baggage!"

Bag #1…

I abandoned a blind date because she was ugly

Bag #2…

I cheated on a girlfriend with her mother

Bag #3…

I've snooped in my girlfriends' e-mails and diaries

Let's hear about your concerns.

Yes, I have concerns; I have had experiences with all three of these items! People in my community think I'm ugly because I don't have the looks to make it on the high school cheerleading squad. My mother seduced one of my former boyfriends, and my brother likes to peek in my diary. I think the two guys left will have some explaining to do!

OK Meg, time to make your decision; which of these pieces of baggage is your deal-breaker?

My deal-breaker is…the guy who cheated with his girlfriend's mother!

Step right up guys, and claim your baggage!

(the three guys walk around in aimless fashion before Dominic claims #1, Eric takes #2 and Jeremiah claims #3)

"WHOA! Eric! What was that all about?"

"This was a few years back and she made the first move; I would never do something like that to you, I swear!"

"My mother made the first move on my boyfriend that time; I'm not buying that for one second, you creep!"

"Well, Meg has made her decision; thanks for being on the show Eric, but its time for you to pack up and go!"

"That's OK Meg, you probably inherited your looks from your father anyway!"

(Meg flips the bird at Eric, crowd gasps in shock)

"Well, only two contestants remain! We have Dominic, who abandoned a blind date because she was ugly, and Jeremiah, who has snooped in his girlfriends' e-mails and diaries!"

(camera pans backstage to Eric)

"Meg, here's the piece of baggage you didn't get to see…**When I hear women talk I hear blah blah blah…**that's all right with me; you probably had nothing interesting to say anyway!"

Peter (and crowd): "YEAH! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! (tears streaming down his face) Oh my god! This is the most fun I have had in years! I can't wait until the end of the show when Meg reveals her baggage and the guy dumps her on the spot!"


	2. Chapter 2

Jerry: "Welcome to the Hot Seat, let's hear what the guys have to say! Now Dominic abandoned a blind date because she was ugly!"

Jeremiah: "Yeah, you only looking for eye candy in a lady?"

Dominic: "We had been chatting an online session and she gave a very good description of her personality. But when I saw her, she reminded me of my grandmother! I should be allowed to have some leeway like anyone else! At least I have the courtesy to leave my girlfriend's inner secrets to herself!"

Jerry: "Yes, Jeremiah looks through his girlfriends' e-mails and diaries, what about that?"

Jeremiah: "In my line of work, we singers come across the shadiest of people, so looking through diaries and e-mails can be useful for security reasons!"

Jerry: "Well, OK guys, it's time for Meg to get to know you a little bit better, so let's start with Jeremiah, please step into the Hot Spot!"

(Jeremiah steps into Hot Spot)

Jerry: "Alright, the first answer that comes to mind, OK? Which romantic comedy best describes your relationship history? The Wedding Planner, The Little Black Book or No Strings Attached?"

Jeremiah: "I'd have to go with The Wedding Planner because I like to party."

Jerry: "Tell Meg something an ex would say about you."

Jeremiah: "That I'm the life of the party and I'd take her on some fantastic dates!"

Jerry: "What's the last thing you watched on the Internet?"

Jeremiah: "I don't know if I can say that here…(crowd ooohhhss)…Youtube!"

Jerry: "Meg gives out good bird calls, do your best impression."

(Jeremiah does weak imitation, Meg giggles, Jeremiah returns to seat)

Jerry: "What do you think of his answers?"

Meg: "Your bird call attempt was very cute, and you like to party and so do I."

Jerry: "Dominic, please step into the Hot Spot."

(Dominic steps into the Hot Spot)

Jerry: "Do you prefer ka-doodling in the club, in the car or on the couch?"

Dominic: "None of them. In my bed, with my nice satin sheets!"

Jerry: "Name one thing you can't throw away from the past."

Dominic: "My divorce."

Jerry: "If you were an alien and you could abduct anyone, who would it be and why?"

Dominic: "Well, I'm here for a date with Meg, so I'd abduct her. I mean, look at her, are you kidding me?"

Jerry: "If your anniversary fell on the same day as your mother's birthday, what would you do?"

Dominic: "I'd send my mom flowers for the day and spend it with Meg."

Jerry: "That's better than the other way around! OK Dominic, you can sit down now. Meg, what do you think of his answers?"

Meg: "Well, I'm amazed that you would spend a day with me instead of your mother, that's just touching! I never thought any guy would say that to me."

Jerry: "That's great Meg, but I don't want you to pick out anyone just yet because you haven't seen what's inside the guy's biggest bags. And don't forget, Meg has some baggage too. Did she lose her virginity in a confessional booth? Did she try to pursue romance with her own dog? Did she lie to an ex-boyfriend about getting pregnant? We'll reveal the truth when we return!"

Jerry: "Welcome back to the show, I'm here with Meg, the waitress from Quahog, Rhode Island who's here to make a decision between these two gentlemen. Will she choose Jeremiah, the musician who keeps no secrets about his line of work or your private life! Or will she choose Dominic, the bartender who refuses to pick from his teeth but is picky about your looks! Gentlemen, it's now time to reveal your biggest bags! Let's start with Jeremiah!

**I've paid for sex more than 100 times**

Meg: "Wow! Don't tell me you plan on just using me as a stepping stone to move on to #102 or something like that!"

Jeremiah: "One day, I do plan on settling down with the right person and someone has to be the right person to be my perfect match."

Jerry: "Dominic, please open your biggest baggage."

**I still live with my ex and our three children**

Meg: "Well then why are you here if you can't let go of your marriage?"

Dominic: "I'm in the long process of the divorce and finding a new home in this market is easier said than done in this day and age."

Jerry: "OK Jeremiah, tell Meg why she should choose you over Dominic."

Jeremiah: "I know how to show her a good time and I don't have an ex-wife and children to restrict me from doing whatever we please!"

Jerry: "Dominic, tell Meg why she should choose you over Jeremiah."

Dominic: "You know that you won't have to be treated like as a part on the assembly line and that I know what it's like to be in a relationship already."

Jerry: "OK, now it's time for Meg to make her final decision. Will it be Jeremiah, who relies on public transportation, snoops in his girlfriends' e-mails and diaries and has paid for sex more than 100 times? Or will it be Dominic, who refuses to floss, abandoned a blind date because she was ugly and still lives with his ex and their three children?"

Meg: "Well, Jeremiah, I think it's great that you know how to play guitar because I can play the drums so maybe I can contribute to your band. I thought your bird-calling attempt was cute; I just have concerns about your countless sex partners so that might make you have to earn my trust for the first little while. Dominic, I'm flattered that you would put me above your mother if you had to choose between us. The fact that you still live with your ex for the time being makes me wonder how much it will affect our own relationship."

"I'm sorry…Dominic, you have too much baggage."

Jerry: "I'm sorry Dominic, it was a pleasure having you but it's time for you to pack up."

Dominic: "Well Meg, I guess I'll never have to worry about remembering our anniversary!"

(Jeremiah runs towards Meg; the two embrace)

Jerry: "Alright, but let's not celebrate just yet as Meg has got her big red bag to open too! That could turn everything right around; we'll uncover the truth when we come back!"


	3. Chapter 3

Jerry: "Welcome back to Baggage! Jeremiah has just chosen Meg for a nice date but now the tables have turned! Now it's his decision! What's the secret in Meg's big red bag? Did she lose her virginity in a confessional booth? Did she try to pursue romance with her own dog? Did she lie to an ex-boyfriend about getting pregnant? Jeremiah, out of those three possibilities, which one would be the most difficult for you to accept?"

Jeremiah: "I think I would have a hard time accepting her attempting to pursue a relationship with her dog! I mean, I don't even know what kind of twisted fantasies one must have in one's head to be that desperate!"

Peter: "Yes! Yes! Get ready for him to head for the hills! Five…four…three…two…"

Jerry: "Meg, please open your baggage…what's this? You've got a piece of baggage inside the baggage you have brought! This is unprecedented! Let's see what's inside your medium-sized piece of baggage…I don't believe it! You've got a smaller piece of baggage inside your second one! You're letting it all hang out! Let's see what's inside your smallest piece of baggage!"

**I pleasure myself with hot dogs**

Peter: "UGGGHHH! So THAT'S where my hot dogs have been disappearing!"

Jerry: "You never mentioned anything about this before!"

Meg: "Well Jerry, there are some things that a girl likes to keep in PRIVATE!" (takes wiener out of briefcase, swallows it whole)

(Stewie spits out hot dog in disgust)

Jerry: "I think we may have been better off not knowing that, thank you very much!"

(Meg opens up second piece of baggage)

**I lied to an ex-boyfriend about being pregnant**

Jeremiah: "Are you willing to resort to desperate measures to keep a boyfriend?"

Meg: "I read the pregnancy test wrong and it led to him willing to marry me. Then he abandoned me at the altar once we found out about the whole truth. Now you can see how I was conflicted about the whole situation!"

Jerry: "Meg, please open your biggest piece of baggage."

**I tried to pursue romance with my own dog**

Jerry: "Oh no! Meg! That's something you need to bring up on my other show! No, seriously, what's up with that?"

Meg: "Well, for that, let me introduce you to my dog Brian; come here boy!"

(Brian walks out on stage)

Peter: "Brian?! What are you doing?! You're supposed to be here watching with the rest of us!"

Brian: "Pleased to meet you Jerry! You can see that I'm not just your ordinary dog. I drive a Toyota Prius and I have had many human girlfriends in the past. I also wouldn't mind being a contestant on this show some time if you've got three attractive ladies who might be interested in someone like me!"

Jerry: "Just when I think I've seen everything, I see something new every day! So Jeremiah, is all this baggage enough for you to handle?"

Connie: "Come on! You can't possibly be stupid enough to take on someone with that much stuff to handle?"

Jeremiah: "Oh man! I must admit, this is a lot more than I would have expected from a sweet young lady like you. But you know, anybody who has the guts to let everything out in such dramatic fashion is okey-dokey in my books! Besides, wait til you hear the stories me and the rest of the band have to tell you! I can most certainly accept your baggage!"

Jerry: "Whoa! Congratulations!"

Meg: "No way!" (Meg and Jeremiah embrace)

Connie: "What the hell? Are you crazy?"

Jerry: "Looks like we found ourselves a match today! Jeremiah and Meg will enjoy a romantic evening for two at Feaster's Steakhouse at Beverly Hills. We'll see you next time on Baggage, where every relationship is an open and shut case. Good night, everyone!"

Connie: "Damn it! That rock star can't be thinking with a clear head if Meg meets his standards of girlfriend material!"

Peter: "Well if it makes you feel better, I can rewind the recording for you and you can pretend that the guy rejected her…"

(entire crowd gasps in shock)

Peter: "Heh, heh…I guess I should have warned you guys in advance that she was going to get the guy in the end, hey?"

(Stewie shoots net over Peter; Giant Chicken lays a shellacking over Peter)

Ernie: "That's payback for all those beatings over the years!"

(Connie & friends get their turn in)

Connie: "You owe us some humiliation of your daughter!"

(Cleveland gets his turn)

Cleveland: "That was NOT worth the 500 mile drive from home!"

(Lois gets her turn)

Lois: "You're sleeping on the couch for a whole month!"

(Stewie gets his licks)

Stewie: "Fat man! You better hire your own personal food taster pretty soon!"

(Death issues a personal warning)

Death: "Your demise is going to be slow and painful! Remember this!"

Peter quivers on the floor like a bowl of Jell-o in response to all the threats.

(back on the Baggage set)

Meg: "So Jeremiah, I used to have a reputation as a bit of a 'starter girl'."

Jeremiah: "Well cutie, I may just be the guy to 'finish' it all off for you!"


End file.
